I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
