She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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