I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
