1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
