I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
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I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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