Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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