I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize