So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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