I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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