Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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