yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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