well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
worst night to have a conscience
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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