I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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