The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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