We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
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I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
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A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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