just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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