I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
