I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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