Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
