If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
