My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
