I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize