I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
