I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
