I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.