guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?