Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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