and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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