So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Use "feeling words"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.