Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single