I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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