I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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