the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
