my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
