Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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