how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
