I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
