My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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