the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
