Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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