and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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