that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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