on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
