Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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