just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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