FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
