i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
