remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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