There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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