I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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