Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
