my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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