Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
