i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
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If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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