Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
