I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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