The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
